Sometimes I sit back and ask myself, “Why do we need friends again?” I honestly have no other words beyond this but I will try to write at least a paragraph since I am here.
Above is an image of me and my emotions after the one hundredth person says I have to check my schedule when I ask them to spend time with me. It’s also an image of me pissed I wasted my emotional chaos asking only to be left hanging to follow up. Below is how I’m going to react if I have to follow up with someone one more time.
Following up with people is worse than fucking making initial contact. It’s worse than war torture. It’s worse than going on Maury 10000000% sure that TaQuan is Ricky Jr’s daddy and being wrong, again. So, I’m sitting here on pause trying to figure out who’s supposed to reach out and if I reach out what exactly do I say? How do I say it? How can I sell it? Will I look crazy if I change my mind and don’t say anything? Should I type in Ebonics or use proper sentences? Should I wait until tomorrow? Do I look crazy? Fuck, I am going crazy. Why is this shit so complicated for me?
So I usually say, “Bitch, I quit.” But I’m not allowed to quit because I’m trying to grow so instead of letting my sentences trail off into silence I pep up and ask what I need to ask so I can say you did so good tackling your fears. You rose above the noise in your head and even though your head may have been down, you kind of whispered it and you ran away right after…you did it. 🤷🏽♀️
But that no though. That no that pops up out of nowhere like a stray bullet and pierces my heart. So cold. So brutal. It knocks me back down and I don’t know why that no holds so much power but it makes me want to quit. Even a maybe leaves my feelings in the ICU.
Here is a reenactment of my brain after I receive a no. (It’s quite similar to my brain before following up.)
Me: It’s okay. We’re too sensitive. It’s okay. Damn that wall shot up fast this time. I don’t think we need this much protection.
Myself: Honestly, I think we need more bricks. It’s okay though we traveled the world alone before and we have fun. It’s okay.
I: She’s right. Matter fact, we don’t need to try to flirt either. We will save and go to a sperm bank…
Me: GUYS WE ARE GOING OVERBOARD RELAX!
I: It’s not like we’ve ever had love or anything so we won’t miss it.
Myself: She right. Here I added a couple canons on top. We should be good now.
It’s an everyday struggle to keep trying to try to make friends. Apparently I say all the wrong things but I’m supposed to be myself? I am not sure that I understand the concept. I wish I didn’t feel everything and care so much but here I am trying and falling on my face. I’m not sure if I’m making my shyness worse or if I’m fixing it at this point.
Will try again and get back to you.