What We Settling For?

Posted: September 22, 2017 by Harper

I have been receiving these messages reinforcing the notion of settling and it pisses me off. It gets so repetitive and tired. If you initially look at something and dismiss it with disdain, why are you forcing yourself to like it? That maybe you’re asking for too much? Or that this might be all you deserve? That somehow what you want to have is not realistic? That you’re running out of time?  You’re being picky is my favorite insult. /sarcasm

Listen, I want the best for me. I try not to force myself into anything. I choose to be alone because I’d rather not force conversation with men I don’t see myself with. I don’t flirt. I don’t give guys that I’m not interested in the time of day. It’s not because I think they’re beneath me or to be mean but let’s be real when you entertain people they start to grow on you and you’re living this lie of familiarity and contentment thinking it’s love.

You’re riding holding hands looking at him saying to yourself: Okay, so maybe he doesn’t have goals. Not good with money. Just got out of prison. A bit cockeyed. Has three baby mommas. His left testical missing and he’s not sure how it happened. He don’t want anymore more kids. Marriage is not in his five year plan. He lies everyday that ends with y and the sound of him chewing makes your flesh crawl. But.. he cute tho, buys you Chipotle, let’s you take pictures of him for Instagram and he allows you to claim him. It also doesn’t hurt he got the hook up at the Nike Outlet and we take matching outfit pictures.

After all that, something temporary and lighthearted turns into permanent situations that people get trapped in because feelings got involved or life hits them with a curve ball like a baby.

I don’t have time for anymore false starts, delays and odysseys. I’m not Odysseus. I’m not into purposely making pointless pit stops to get back to home. It’s silly. (I’m also learning to move on quicker but that’s a whole other topic.)

I was watching Insecure the other day and Molly’s therapist said:

DR PINE: Well, “homie” is not a great place to start. Why do you just see him as a friend?
MOLLY: He just doesn’t seem like the guy I should be with. Ugh, “should.” I know. I heard it.
DR PINE: Well, maybe it’s time to focus on what you could have instead. Get out of the should and live in the could. I promise I’ve never said that before.
[BOTH CHUCKLING] – But we’re just gonna go with it.
MOLLY: I could get with it.
DR PINE: I’m glad you’re back, Molly.

I was #TRIGGERED.

I don’t understand the concept of to talking to, hanging outout with, dating, or giving your body to a man/woman that you have to talk yourself into. I know it’s fiction but this show made me happy I can’t find a therapist if this is what they’re encouraging. Granted, Molly rushes in and does the most on the show but what she wants isn’t far fetched to need to settle and choose the safety net of having something right now vs having something real later.

I have a friend who, every single time I mention some creeped out weird shit a guy does to me in disgust, goes, “He likes you. Give him a chance.” Like, why? I just said this guy throws things at me to show his affection. This is not kindergarten. We’re almost 30. Why are you encouraging me to try with any ol random weirdo throwing shit at me that can not communicate his feelings like an adult? Even then, I have not said anything positive about this person for you to weigh the scale in his favor. I’m just supposed to accept anything? That’s what you want for me?

Nah.

Life is short but it’s also long. I have time to find real true love that compliments my desires and needs. What’s the point of being with someone that doesn’t move me?

Oh but bitch hold on, this is also why I am not proactively texting “friends” too because I’m not settling for those either. I’m not settling for meals. Trips I don’t want to take. Cheap, overly hyped, or uninteresting gadgets. I have zero room for things I don’t really want in my space soaking up my energy.

The hardest part about adulthood is the conditioning thought that you can’t be selfish and that you have to be “realistic” and give into what other people need or thinks you should have.

No. I can and will be selfish. And what’s realistic? Do we all have that same definition?

And yes, there is a difference between settling and overlooking someone because they don’t meet all your small requirements. Some things are important and others are not. I know what I want is out there and I’m not wasting time trying to give everybody a shot. Everybody don’t deserve me.

 

1 Comment

  • Shannon October 17, 2017 at 8:47 am

    There is nothing wrong with being selfish, at all. From my experience, I’ve tried looking at things from other points of view… tried compromising with people that I would never have given the time of day otherwise. I got out of a one year relationship back in April, with a man whom I didn’t even initially like, at all. But like you stated… we tend to purposely overlook things to give people a chance. I did that. When it ended I asked myself what had I been thinking? I would have never given this man a chance in my right mind. But I tried the “give a guy a chance, get to know him” approach. It didn’t work out. I ended up putting more into trying to give him a fair chance than he was actually putting into the relationship. In the end, I wasn’t getting anything from it. Seems like women are always being forced to settle. And we do settle because we feel like we’re asking for too much sometimes. I’ve concluded that people who think you’re asking for too much just don’t want to put in the work. I don’t think there is a such thing as asking for too much when allowing people into your life. You’re allowed to want what you want.

    Reply

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