Sometimes when I’m thinking about not doing something that scares me, I get this quick thought about dying that I have to shake off.
I hate dark thoughts. They push me to live in the moment. I hate them even more because I don’t know what will happen after the moment is over.
l never know what to do or say because of inexperience. I try to push myself to figure things out and I only see whiteness. A visual spiritual block.
Sometimes I feel like God is blocking my foresight to keep me pinned down as I am. To present who I am to the world as I am right now and not and a well thought out version of me. I love a well thought out articulate me.
I try so hard for perfection. Perfect actions that lead to perfect moments. I try so hard to think of the right things to say that sometimes my face gets hot and migraines threaten a coup. No one seems to understand it either. Based on age, I’m supposed to know how to do things that come easily to everyone else. It makes me sad to be so unsure.
And then I get over it and try doing just any ol thing to see if it sticks. I ignore all advice that I end up grimacing about and do the stupid shit I came up with and wait to see what comes of it.
Then I kind of freak out because things don’t happen quickly. At least not as quick as my mind planned the future. And I have to calm myself and remind myself that life isn’t all about me, what I want, when I want it and it’s nothing to sulk over. Even when I try to think negative I cut the thought off and promote a healthier line of thinking.
It’ll happen. It will happen.
The payoff. The patience. The mere idea that I did not sink into a depression for no reason. The rejection I always fear does not exist. At least not in this moment. It makes the process so sweet.
No, it doesn’t keep me from wanting to be pitch perfect or make following up the moment easier but it’s a sweet feeling knowing that God will deliver but on his time.
During the time I was waiting, I took the time to redirect my energy and made my vision board. I have not felt a doubt in my mind that the things I wrote will not happen for me within the next year. I’ve been speaking into my life as if it’s already in motion but the execution of said thoughts are still freaking me out.
I’ve been thinking about abut dying lately and I’m trying to push my self tonight. And I’m about to just say fuck it again. Just fuck it.