Getting Out of My Own Way

Posted: December 25, 2017 by Harper

I’ve been recently applying for better positions and each time I feel like I’ve been overlooked. I am consistently one of the hardest workers in the building. It’s not my opinion but everyone at my job tells me how much I deserve to be promoted but when it comes down to it there’s no reward. Not only does it hurt my feelings but my pride too. How do I go from monthly reviews that that end early because theirs nothing to say to no upward track.

If this was a couple years ago, I would sulk and be depressed about it for a long period of time but now I give myself time to pout (not too long of a time) and I throw the feeling out the door (except when I’m at work because I’m reminded how much they got me fucked up lol).

The year of 29 is about fixing my issues before I step into the next phase of my life. I’ve been huddled in my corner of the world trying to work through the damage that life brought my way. It’s not just about putting myself out there with guys or trying to make more friends to share memories with, it’s about facing the hard parts about how I feel head on. I’m learning to give up on things that don’t serve me and where I’m headed. I’m learning that I’m not depressed but it’s only me not trying to let things go. I have to choose happiness and hold onto it like a dog on a bone because no one else is going to do it for me.

What’s for me can’t be taken away. What’s for me can’t look at my hard work and not choose me. What’s for me cannot look at this awesome girl and say I don’t want to be her lover or friend. Being mad about things that are out of my control is something that I cannot do anymore.

I haven’t been updating because I’ve been trying my best to work through my feelings. Sometimes writing about them doesn’t help me because I’m forcing things out so I can write something clear and concise or something pretty and that might not even be how I’m actually feeling. Maybe a shell of it but not the whole scope. I want to be honest. I don’t want to feel preachy. I don’t want to feel jumbled up.

I’m trying to give up this idea of perfection. I sage my mind and heart just to rid myself of negative thoughts.

I want to start working towards the things that I want. I want to be the happiest that I can be. I’m trying to not force myself to rush into things. Every time I try to figure out what I want and where I’m headed it’s just a bright light that pushes against my brain trying to grasp how to start. I know there are great things in store for my life but I don’t want to ruin it by trying to throw myself into something just to say I’m doing it. The only thing I know for sure is that I’m traveling. But I think things are going to beautiful.

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