Do I Need A Ho Phase?

Posted: April 17, 2018 by Harper

You ever want something? Not want it? And then want it again? Here’s my dilemma.

I operate on a myriad of what ifs. I try to calm these questions down often because they do nothing for the progression of my life but when it comes to sex we (me, myself and i) skrrt skrrt like the Migos and press pause on the yolo. Listen, I have legitimate concerns because there is no such thing as Dickfax or Yelp reviews so I can’t make an informed decision on who I should lend out my body to.

Sharon cannot leave a comment on Brandon saying, “He’s uncircumcised and when I pulled the skin back I saw dry blood, cottage cheese and fungus. Once I bathed him and removed the lint from his balls, the backshots were A1. 3 Stars because it took too much work to get there.”

Keyshia cannot say Kentrail gave her herpes.

Martha can’t say Jason dick small and can’t stay hard. Etc, etc.

What if my first day out hoing, I’m disappointed? Will that deter me from having sex again? My sex drive is already quite non existent as I usually am only in the mood for anything when I like someone which brings me to my next point, will I even be in the mood because I more than likely won’t know them to like them. I really pay guys dust if they are not what I’m looking for in a husband. If you could see the laundry list of qualities it takes to be my husband, you could imagine what it takes to have me attracted to you in the smallest form. I don’t even text people I don’t want to know so I don’t know how having sex with them would work.

So just to give you background on my sex life, here is a gif form of my sexual history:

I’m pretty sure some high school freshmen have a more lit sexual history than me. Although I’m crusty 95% of my days, I’m not sure why guys don’t approach me? Hell, I cook for some guys and they still don’t be interested and they’re licking their plates clean moaning. Food is the key my ass.

Either way, I’m scared I will be disappointed again and quit forever. And I’m scared that a friends with benefits situation can turn into a I’m-stuck-with-your-ass-for-life-by-accident situationship (Although by 32, I’m going to start shopping for sperm if I’m not married yet but that’s a different blog for a different day.) Or familiarity will take me down some slippery slope where I’m wasting time with someone that I don’t value and they don’t value me.

If I had friends who could introduce me to some dope friends with benefits quality men, I’d be set because it’s hard for me to meet strangers outside of college.  I need to get out of my head on all of this. I wish it was easier to attract what I want.

Do you have a ho life? Got some tips?

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