Harper Lamar

The Progression Of…

See What Had Happened Was…

I was not supposed to be gone so long. I was supposed to revamp this website along with my travel blog but it got too complicated in my head so I just let both fall by the way side.

So. What’s been up? I traveled a lot. I started a business. I started writing creatively again. I swear I was so on a high that I literally saw no glass ceiling for me. Honestly, it was so terrifying I had a panic attack because I was so happy and so sure.

And now I’m just feeling this sort of blankness. My mom says it might be a hormone imbalance but I have been out the blue sad and crying. Google says that I could be going through the bumpier side of a spiritual awakening. Tarot cards say that I’m in limbo because something big and beautiful is on my way and I want to believe that.

If I had to think about it, it’s like I’m being pushed forward with no say on how/when to

stop. I have no control. I want to reach back but I don’t have room to allow the old stuff in. I even woke up one day and started throwing things away that I would cling to for years. I threw away 7 bags of clothes and donated 2. I threw away so much random stuff I held onto through the years because “I needed to go through it carefully”.

By the end of my possessive need to clean, I ended up throwing 90% in a trash bag without a thought. And I cleaned and rearranged my room so good that the energy that ran through my room lifted me like a possession. I redid my office space it’s beautiful but it still didn’t feel like enough.

So I thought about other things that do not serve me like the people in my life. And honestly, I just feel that in my relationships I’m seen more of entertainment than an actual friend to most people. I’m around when they want to laugh or be uplifted but when it’s my turn I can’t get a text back, I can’t get love or care. The energy is never the same so I cleared them out. I deleted 99% of my contacts to make room.

And still. It did not feel like enough.

I thought maybe it’d be a trip but the more I keep trying to plan one for the end of the year, the more pushback I feel.

So I’m searching for where that threshold is and what will fill it. Complete this mood. And I’m trying to keep it moving and keep it positive because maybe I’m cleaning up for the best that life has to offer. It’s hard to let go and give in on a rollercoaster of emotions but I’m trying to relax and not let it overwhelm me.

This weekend I went and bought more sage to cleanse my energy, I bought a bowl, candles, incense and cups to give libations to my ancestors to keep a look out like I learned in Cuba. For the bowl, I’ve been writing down the things that I want God to help me to do instead of thinking about the things I’m not able to do. I guess I’ll share the first couple:

  • Have enough creative energy to write and sell my first script.
  • I want to be blessed with a mentor that I respect in the film industry.
  • I want to be in loving, healthy, reciprocating relationships. Romantic and platonic.
  • I want to be able to afford to move to LA and drive a Tesla.
  • I need to be seen.

Tell me have you ever felt this way?

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