I have never been able to take my time with things. In gym class, I’d turn every required jog into a race so I could hurry up and sit down. When I have big ideas, I want everything done within a week and if it takes longer I’m over it. If I like someone, I’m putting their last name next to mine before I even know if there’s anything to it. My pacing is so awful that my heart naturally beats out my chest while sitting down. So maybe it’s just my nature to do things fast.
Slowing down leaves room for second guessing decisions, changing your mind, dealing with past hurt, and sticking to reality because now you have time to really think things through. And oh my God, do I think things through.
Matter of fact, I’m trying not to cry right now because I just gave myself too much realness when I just wanted to live in the clouds. And sadly, the clouds hurt too.
A week ago, I was on the highway feeling myself about to cry because I holding in my feelings and it was weighing me down like boulders on my chest. All I could hear in my head was something telling me to just tell him you like him and get it over with so I quickly typed something, got it approved by a friend and had another friend count me down and I just sent it. No more thinking. I felt so light, confident and powerful. I was so happy just to do it that it did not matter what he said because I’m content with friendship. And then I just wanted to sleep.
And I knew he wouldn’t be mean to me because he makes me feel safe. If he was here right now, he would have felt my mood shift instantly and would have asked me what was wrong with me. I never say because I’m not sure if he really cares or if he’s just addicted to saving people. And the biggest way to save yourself some pain and suffering is to not trust and put too much faith in peoples intentions. Assume the worst and hope for the best.
I’m just struggling with following my natural beat and slowing down and grounding myself deeply into reality. And even though it hurts to go through the motions, I’m proud that I just keep freaking the fuck out and hopping back into the trenches.
It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions.