The Progression Of…

birthday, harper lamar

Hey Harper, You’re 29.

On the first page of “Do One Thing That Scares You Every Day,” it asks to make a list of things that you fear. I don’t have the book near me but I’m sure it asks me to list ten fears I have. I don’t know if I can consciously name ten but I know I’m terrified of being happy. So much so I try not to wake up excited about anything or dance too hard in the car on the way to or from work because the other shoe always drops.

It drops hard.

The happier and excited I get about being alive and things going right, the heavier the burden of heartache and disappointment gets. Yesterday, I was so excited that my birthday was happening so soon. Happy that people thought of me, was sweet to me and my body radiated in light, deliriously happy.

And today, I’m annoyed and triggered and I don’t want to move. I miss my granny.

I get life has ups and down but when I get this happy I think about how happy I will be when I get everything that I want for my life. Friendships, husband, house, kids and I feel that God’s going to kill me as soon as I reach that level of happiness. I don’t want to be in the Pursuit of Happiness, give my boss my last $5, pass the test, celebrate with my son and then there’s immediate credits. I don’t want to be pregnant and get hit by a semi truck. I just saw on TV that this woman found out she had cancer when she was pregnant with twins after being newly married. What if I choose wrong like I always choose wrong and on my honeymoon instead of receiving cuts on my cheeks and inside of my mouth, I’m killed in Aruba by the person that’s supposed to care about me?

Life is cruel. You’re born, life execelarates and then you’re gone. I’ve seen how fast life can go and it terrifies me. Sometimes I think that it’s perfectly okay that I’ve never reached this nirvana of happiness. That I’ve never been kissed, never been held with love and that I lost my baby because bad things happen to happy people…good people.

Sometimes I wonder am I afraid of talking to guys or am I scared to be happy.

Am I scared to be happy or am I scared of happiness being what it is…a fleeting unstable feeling? I know I cannot avoid death. I know I cannot avoid unhappiness. I can’t avoid not being in love because someone will feel like cracking open my crabshell and getting me to fall again one day. Hopefully, I stop running and I don’t die when life finally gets good.

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