Tostada, my crush, is tall and genuine. Flaky and quiet. A bit slow but sweet as hell. Fully clothed he leaves me breathy. His shirts hang over his shoulders like bookmarked porn scenes.
He’s a high that I’d abandon all dignity to afford. Little bust it baby in the streets. I’d risk life to succumb to him.
But he is practically tripping on lusty big head bitches and he has a girlfriend, if I heard him correctly. I tried to stop liking him but all he has to do is say my name and I’m back to following him with my eyes. And I swear even though Harper is not the name given to me at birth, he makes it natural to answer to.
He makes me want to try, fail, fail and fail horribly a dozen times more only to try again. He makes me want to be rational when my crabby feelings are hurt and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and quit life. I like that and hate it all.
But in the meantime, I got an itch that I need to scratch and even though I want him like a gang of hungry kids searching for 75 cents a day, I can’t will anyone to want me. Trust, I tried. Currently, I’m on the fence regarding a sacrificial lamb but that’s neither here nor there.
Which means I would have to partake in casual sex. Bleh. Am I saying no to casual sex because I’m scared, I need more, I’m not desperate (not saying that those that do are), scared of herpes or a combination of everything? My friend asked if I’ve forced myself to like anyone and I dont even force myself to talk to Tostada and I want him so how could I give myself to anyone that doesnt make me feel comfortable but anxious?
Am I at the correct level of adulting where I can casually let someone inside of me all willy nilly. I feel that sexually I’m in head start. I mean I still have never been kissed so how can I jump straight into a masters program? I’m going back and forth trying to decide if this is reasonably something to get over or something I should still pace myself on.
Am I trying everything this year? I’m going to get high first and double back on this.