For some people on the outside looking in, I have it figured out. I know the right things to say when it matters to them. I can coddle their first world problems gently to sleep. I believe in them when they don’t believe in themselves. I’m so encouraging but…
I don’t always know how to treat myself with so much care and grace. I have to constantly remind myself with tattoos and a daily mantra alarm that I’m amazing and my life is not so bad. That I will have what want but I don’t give myself room for error and I tear myself apart when things refuse to go right.
I’m currently at work in the bathroom trying not to spiral into a rabbit hole of feelings and self doubt. It’s hard to block the negativity out. It’s hard to stay positive about things that terrify you and you don’t know what you’re doing. I wish I had that unwavering confidence that I try to threaten into people.
Yesterday, I was happy and confident that things were right for once. Today, I feel kind of battered and it’s partially my fault because I allowed a negative person in my company and allowed their opinion to matter to me. It literally started with a happy 🐐 and it spiraled into the devil calling me names relating to me trying to befriend Tostada.
And sadly, although I tried to joke it out and call her a hating ass bitch, it effected me. I’m working on talking myself off the ledge but I’m effected and I’m trying not to cry about it because then she’d win. That’s what she wants..for someone to be as unhappy as her.
Here’s the gist of what I wanted to say, stay the fuck away from toxic people. You will know they are toxic by the way they speak about their own lives and what they say to you when you aren’t responding in a manner that they’d like. Don’t make excuses for their behavior. You cannot change that. You can’t threaten them to love themselves. You can’t love their negativity away. That’s their cross to bear. Protect your energy at all costs. Don’t even respond to it in anger because a good LOL will piss them off.
Please know that there is a difference between someone going through a tough time and toxicity. Make sure you know the difference and leave them bitches where they stand.
I spent today just second guessing myself about him and how I act when I’m thinking about him, considering him and getting sad when he does his withdrawal shit that he is known to do. I almost told myself to give up on trying. I almost told myself I wasn’t good enough.
I haven’t felt that way in months and he didn’t do anything to make me feel that way. I did nothing to feel that way..it’s just the fucking devil.