The journey here has not been an easy one. It’s been a lot trial and error. A lot of fake it til you make it but I am here. The place where people dream of being and I did it all before life was perfect.
The first thing I had to change about myself was getting rid of people in my life that didn’t deserve me at my best or didn’t offer anything to keep me there. I remember being in my apartment fresh from the most embarrassing moments in my life and almost no one being available to talk to me.
I mean what’s the point of having people if you can’t count on them after a guy you thought you loved (at some point) beats the shit out of you. Rapes you. Corners you and tells you how you’re not worth love or life.
Someone even accused me of lying until I showed the court date.
Then I had to rebuild myself from that abused mentality that still sometimes gets the best of me. I had to learn to forgive the people who didn’t come when I needed them the most. I had to calm the spirit of distrust. (Is that a word? It’s one today.) I had to look myself in the mirror and stare until I felt pretty. I had to force myself to be pretty even when I just wanted to hang off the side of my couch until it was time to go to work.
I had to remind myself how awesome I am and how deserving I am to be loved and happy with someone who knows what he has. I had to remind myself that I deserved my own love.
I had to force myself to not see the bad in people but run like hell when they show it to me.
Happiness is complicated.
It’s knowing that it’s temporary. It’s knowing that your day doesn’t have to be bad or stay bad. It’s seeing what’s left after the storm. It’s moving on to the positive. It is cutting those negative thoughts off at the knees and leaving behind the people that can’t see past the rain to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I used to wake up and try not to be excited or happy because something bad would follow behind it to ruin my mood. Or I felt that as soon as I reached peak happiness that an 18 wheeler would come swipe me off the road.
But I’m alive and good things are still happening. Bad things are still happening. I still don’t own a home. I still work at a place that doesn’t allow me to reach my potential. I fail at exercising. Tostada is still flaky (and so cute) as fuck. I can’t get a dog because my landlord is a cunt. I just ordered a pizza and it tastes like asschips but life is great.
And it’s as simple as smiling, twerking to Bodak Yellow and saying fuck everything else and what other people try to do to sabotage my mood…I’m happy and even in the midst of cussing someone out. 🤷🏽♀️✌🏽