Pretty soon I will no longer be a member of my twenties and I will no longer have the excuse of figuring it out before thirty. It’d be nice to do that within the next twelve days but I’m not rushing towards nirvana. Though it’d be nice for some things to fall into place for me.
This year, I wanted to do a lot of things that challenged my usual normal anti-social behavior. I won’t cap, I did do a lot and I did challenge myself but not this complete take over like I had planned. Like I had wanted. Definitely not the life changing 180° I naively expected.
I expected that the guy I actively pursued would be interested because I was. I thought if I forced myself to communicate and not wither away when things didn’t go as planned that things would pan out but they didn’t.
Although I didn’t write about the other countless rejections (like I intended), I tried and failed multiple times. Now I’m at the stage where I’m not actively pursuing anyone but watching YouTube videos of couples until 6 am to keep myself positive that one day it’ll happen for me. That and falling in “love” with the good men I see and I can’t have.
I attempted to nuture friendships and start new ones in hopes that I’d be nutured in return but I’m still feeling alone. A bit hopeless. Possibly even more alone. I removed a lot of people from my life and honestly the people still here are leaving much to be desired.This TV show [The Bold Life] I’m watching is not helping me feel any different. Maybe I’m picking bad but I have not met my best friend yet.
Illnesses beget negative thoughts for the year and I kind of spiraled. I stopped updating my blogs. I got uninspired. I couldn’t think of a business plan. I had so many plans and ideas for this site, for my business, and for my relationships but none of it happened. More lessons than triumphs for this year.
I did get to travel a lot though.
So what do I want from this decade of life?
I want a love supreme. I want someone to be enamored with me like a newly converted vegan reminiscing over a steak. I want someone that will come into my life and inspire and motivate me to be a greater version of me. I want him to teach me and not get on my nerves.I don’t want to have questions. I want good memories to go to instead of trauma.
I want friendships that are worthy of nurturing. I want people who come into my life that love to travel but are always down to go where I want to go and do the things I want to do. I want people that love what I love but introduce me to new things to love. I want people who can afford their own lives and are happy with where they are in life. I want reciprocation. I want people that celebrate me and nourish me. People who are smart and have value. I never want to have another birthday where someone isn’t excited that I’m alive and shows it. I never want to be friends with another person who mostly provides no as an answer. Or treats me different than other people they are around.
I want to feel good. Mind, body and soul. I want to continue to challenge myself to be greater and reach for better things in life. I want to grow my confidence and not backpedal on my ideas. I want to realize my dreams and go after them. I want to finish what I start which means updating this blog. I want to continue to take my hard lessons with stride.