Sometimes traveling is something fun to do but sometimes its a means to self discovery for questions that you don’t quite know yet. This past month I was hit with this mood where I could not see the forest for the trees and I needed to get away and do something. And thankfully my friend hopped in the car with me and to Florida we went. We drove 9 hours, stayed overnight and drove those 9 hours back and I got to think. I got to stand in the water, lie in the sand and be washed over in a storm. And I guess I came to the realization that as much as I think I’m open to allowing things into my life, I don’t really know how to do it and depending on what it is I’m scared shitless to do it. So I allowed myself to be open and my mood has totally shifted.
And I don’t know, maybe I’ve allowed myself to be too open because now I like someone that I don’t even need to like. I found myself just smiling into my phone all weekend like a weirdo. And it’s all for nothing because I know he doesn’t even like me like that but it feels so good to feel so I tip toe back like this won’t end bad for me. And I know what you’re thinking but you just said that you allowed yourself to be open so how can you go back and close yourself off.
Skrrt. First off, don’t judge me fam.
Second, I don’t want to get swept away in my feelings where I’m making mountains out of mole hills and I really don’t mean anything to anybody but I just take small things and make them bigger than they are. Besides, I think I know for sure he likes someone so I am trying to fall back and he annoying as fuck most times so it’s easy but he so damn beautiful so all he have to do is smile at me and I’m back like the McRib and Wendys spicy chicken nuggets.
That was a hell of a run on sentence but I drool every single time I see him. Sometimes I just really stare too hard and I don’t even care because when I tell you he a turkey and cheddar cheese Lunchable with the Caprisun and Reeses cup. BITCH!
I kick myself for being a damn idiot. I am such an idiot.
I kind of like being an idiot. I like randomly singing “honestly…”.
But I don’t like hurt feelings, confusion and thinking.
And all this does is open more insecurities that I have because I feel like I should know what I’m doing at 30. I’m such a fucking child (lol). This shit is stressful. I don’t want to pursue anyone and I know that’s like saying I want a flying pig in 2019 but I want someone to pursue me and tell me they like me so I don’t have to guess and I can be free to just be in my feelings. And thoroughly enjoy it until I don’t enjoy it anymore.
And what’s annoying me even further is I am really good at throwing people away without a care in the world but I can’t just stop grinning at this motherfucker. It’s a thousand reasons why I need to stop but the basic bitch in me is soaking this up.
I said all this to say I’m kind of happy like a school girl but panicked like a worried grandma.
Anyway, don’t leave any stupid advice because I didn’t ask for any. Just drop a list of romantic comedies so that I can go watch those instead of wasting my time lusting.