I knew I fucked up this summer when I opened and closed my eyes for the 15th time and he was still lying next to me and I had to go through the process of breaking my own heart. And I’m still crying every so often because the last bit of this feeling won’t go away. I’m not understanding how one guy’s dimples can hold all the strings to my heart. When he smiles I’m just swept right back up even when he’s not smiling at me.
And that’s not healthy but I’m honestly trying not to care. The crab in me can’t bury it fast enough but he won’t let me forget. I don’t understand why he can’t just let me forget that I had dreams of loving him until my heart gave out.
Lately, we are constantly arguing like our relationship matters. I’m always trying to end it but he won’t let me go. And maybe I like that. I don’t know but it’s exhausting to feel important and invisible. Hurtful to always come last. Never receiving what I need to want to stay. Always having conversations that end up nowhere. And I never get to spend time. Even my time is never my time. Sometimes I just want to be held and reassured but afraid to ask because I can’t stomach another rejection.
Friendship is supposed to be simple and less tears so why am I crying so much.